The Science of Soulja Boy

Perhaps those reading this are more blessed than I. Perhaps they live in a serine, peaceful world. Perchance, the ululation of the word “YOUUUUU!!!” means nothing to them. I, however, do not live in such a world. Daily, I find myself buffeted by the shit storm that is “Crank That (Soulja Boy)” performed the one and only…you guessed it…Soulja Boy. To some, “Crank That (Soulja Boy)” is a hip new song and dance for all them “gangstas” and “hoes” to worship. To others, it is science. Confused? Ah, well, I’d expect you to be.

See, it’s like this: Every ten years or so, an atrocious song emerges that infects the airwaves and, inevitably, the masses love it. This is song is what is known, in science, as the Indifferentiable Time – transcending Serendipitous Unbiased Course of Kainite Solution, also known as I.T.S.U.C.K.S. Simple algebra along with the use of other variables can be used to predict the next recurrence of I.T.S.U.C.K.S.

(Combined Greediness of Record Companies x Overall Desperation for Entertainment)/ (Lack of a Competitive Market due to Shitty Musicians) = Date of next I.T.S.U.C.K.S

or in short hand:

(CG x DE)/(SM) = S.U.C.K.

and if we substitute the appropriate numbers…

(1943042.1734693877 x 2352) / 456 = 10022007

and it just so happens that Soulja Boy’s album was released on 10/02/2007

Haha! Proof!!

In all seriousness, if such a thing is possible now, “Crank That (Soulja Boy)” has gotten far more attention than it deserves. Even in a world where Rihanna manages to win countless awards, the burning sensation that is Soulja Boy is felt by all who value the continuation of what was once music.

-Jonathan

P.S. I recommend not even listening to this “song” even if only to be able to complain to your friends about it. You’d only be encouraging poor taste with publicity…as I have just done somewhat…whatever…