Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Harry Potter and the Mid-Life Crisis

I'm not a huge reader, thats not to say I don't enjoy a select few novels. And if you are reading this I can only assume that you can read at a basic reading level. And if this is the case than you probably have read the Harry Potter series. Yes Harry Potter, that oh so lovable, acne-riddled teenager. This series found a place in many peoples hearts including my own. I thoroughly enjoyed books 1-6, thats right ONE through SIX. I'm guessing you're picking up what I'm laying down at this point, that the seventh book in this wonderful series has taken a wrong turn to Crappytown. Population, it's own turd-riddled pages of atrocious writing and plot development.

Okay thats what I got from the first 100 pages. See, I haven't actually finished said book but I think that if I take one look at that glasses-wearing bastard again I might just become sterile. The book started out like any other, slowly reintroducing the reader back into the world of Harry Potter, one magical misfit at a time, but something happened, I just couldn't take it anymore the lack of anything actually happening was driving me to contemplation of suicide. I think that if these three jag-offs didn't start doing something and not just sitting around in the god-damn woods, I would have to take my own life. Luckily I don't need nor want to now how it ends, because I can come up with an ending just as good as the real one, and much more pertinent to everyday life. Firstly, Harry defeats Voldemort in some slightly ironic and epic sort of way. Then, becomes addicted to magic infused heroine and moving wizard pornography. Harry finally lives out his days as a balding single loser who eventually goes into self inflicted auto-erotic asphyxiation. Ron on the other hand becomes a famous Quiddich player, and has all the women and disease-ridden whores, he could ever want. He gets AIDS and dies 5 years later bitter and crotchety. Hermione of course is the prostitute that gives Ron this terrible disease but comes up with a cure for her affliction. She gets killed 2 months by Hagrid who has become a serial rapist. This seems like the most realistic, albeit adult, ending to such a fantastical book series. J.K. Rowling obviously wasn't thinking when see came up with the real ending ( of which I can only assume is utterly and completely different than my own). Well Harry, you had a good run and you died a hilarious death; So for that you should be proud, I salute you.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

"Where the gold at?"

I have long feared the intellectual collapse of this country. We’ve fallen into an era of false idols, red-neck presidents, whorish heiresses, and a general lack of common sense. But never has the prophetic sense of impending doom overwhelmed me like when I became aware of the Alabama Leprechaun. At this point I encourage those not familiar with this story to watch the news report here to see I’m completely serious.

Mobile, Alabama is plagued with what appears to be leprechaun fever. According to eyewitnesses, a short, hat-wearing figure has been spotted perched in large tree causing spectators and leprechaun fanatics alike to unanimously agree that indeed Mobile has an infestation of the Irish dwarf variety.

Are you kidding me? Has all reason and logic been thrown to the wind? Reality check: A leprechaun as defined by Princeton, yes an institution for the further pursuit of knowledge, is “a mischievous elf in Irish folklore”. FOLKLORE, synonymous with legend, myth, fable, fairy tale, and made up shit. However, the acceptance of lies and myth seems to be commonplace in a society where the popular vote doesn’t win an election, wars can be started on a whim, and the environment is an afterthought. And besides, what are the odds of a “mischievous elf” from Ireland paying a visit to Mobile? I mean come on, if I were a magical, two-foot-tall, Irish hooligan going on vacation the last place I’d want to go is a tree in Alabama. What’s worse is the fact this is a news story. You remember the news, it used to be…well…“newsier”. It wasn’t a ticker with talking heads and Nancy Grace draining her guests like the succubus; it was actual events that had bearing on the world as a whole instead of meaningless dribble to satisfy boredom and the monotony of everyday life. Even that this “story” got airtime promotes the stupidity and ignorance this nation embodies. It tells the public it’s okay to be dumb because it’s entertaining.

Perhaps the most unbelievable part of the report is the accounts of the inhabitants in Mobile. Many seem to whole-heartedly believe that there is a leprechaun in their midst. One man is suited up in camouflage and overalls, the overalls of course to ward off evil spells, prepared to fight the leprechaun. He has a leprechaun flute passed down from his great, great, Irish grandfather from thousands of years ago. The flute was made the age old way by cutting a piece of PVC pipe, drilling holes in it, and spray painting it gold. On the other hand, there are detractors who don’t believe in the validity of the myth; however the news report portrays them as complete idiots. “Could be a crack head that got hold to the wrong stuff and it told him to get up in a tree and play a leprechaun” was one of the more realistic explanations given by a woman.

Nonetheless, in a country where the lack of education isn’t nearly as scary as two dudes kissing, more stories like this are bound to pop up. Though, I truthfully cannot place all the blame on our bastard republican government as it was the public that elected it. I also hold the media partially responsible for the sensationalizing of stories that have little significance for this only adds the problem of ignorance in the U.S. It seems that somewhere a group intelligent people should be gathering to try to organize some sort of master plan to reeducate the nation. So I just have one question: “Where the gold at?”