Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Harry Potter and the Mid-Life Crisis

I'm not a huge reader, thats not to say I don't enjoy a select few novels. And if you are reading this I can only assume that you can read at a basic reading level. And if this is the case than you probably have read the Harry Potter series. Yes Harry Potter, that oh so lovable, acne-riddled teenager. This series found a place in many peoples hearts including my own. I thoroughly enjoyed books 1-6, thats right ONE through SIX. I'm guessing you're picking up what I'm laying down at this point, that the seventh book in this wonderful series has taken a wrong turn to Crappytown. Population, it's own turd-riddled pages of atrocious writing and plot development.

Okay thats what I got from the first 100 pages. See, I haven't actually finished said book but I think that if I take one look at that glasses-wearing bastard again I might just become sterile. The book started out like any other, slowly reintroducing the reader back into the world of Harry Potter, one magical misfit at a time, but something happened, I just couldn't take it anymore the lack of anything actually happening was driving me to contemplation of suicide. I think that if these three jag-offs didn't start doing something and not just sitting around in the god-damn woods, I would have to take my own life. Luckily I don't need nor want to now how it ends, because I can come up with an ending just as good as the real one, and much more pertinent to everyday life. Firstly, Harry defeats Voldemort in some slightly ironic and epic sort of way. Then, becomes addicted to magic infused heroine and moving wizard pornography. Harry finally lives out his days as a balding single loser who eventually goes into self inflicted auto-erotic asphyxiation. Ron on the other hand becomes a famous Quiddich player, and has all the women and disease-ridden whores, he could ever want. He gets AIDS and dies 5 years later bitter and crotchety. Hermione of course is the prostitute that gives Ron this terrible disease but comes up with a cure for her affliction. She gets killed 2 months by Hagrid who has become a serial rapist. This seems like the most realistic, albeit adult, ending to such a fantastical book series. J.K. Rowling obviously wasn't thinking when see came up with the real ending ( of which I can only assume is utterly and completely different than my own). Well Harry, you had a good run and you died a hilarious death; So for that you should be proud, I salute you.

No comments: